


A Jedi Shall Not

by Ilweran



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Genre: 1 Sentence Fiction, 50 Sentences, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Doomed Relationship, F/F, Jedi Code, Mild Sexual Content, Pre-Canon, Young Adults
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 02:04:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9945485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilweran/pseuds/Ilweran
Summary: Atris and the Exile before the Mandalorian Wars.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Format inspired by [1sentence](http://1sentence.livejournal.com/). Prompts generated [here](http://www.randomlists.com/random-words).
> 
> Atris' POV.

**1\. Holiday**  
Whatever this... this _thing_ between you is, it is a sweet respite from your duties and at times crushing doubts (not that you would ever admit to the latter, not you, not even with her).

 **2\. Educate**  
The Order teaches of the dangers of attachment, has filled you with the mantra of _no passion_ since before you can remember, but this isn't attachment, is it, merely fingers clasping and stroking a cautious path up clothed thighs under desks in the library, and if her smile sometimes makes warmth bloom inside your chest, well, she's your friend so it is only a natural reaction.

 **3\. Bumpy**  
You're not sneaking around – it's not like you've anything to hide – but it's nevertheless difficult to find time alone with her, away from the watchful eyes of your masters that constantly seek to evaluate if your _entangelement_ has crossed the faint line into dangerous territories

 **4\. Loving**  
but you know what you're doing, and you _will not_ fall in any sense of the word, not even if you sometimes catch yourself wondering how things could be different if you weren't padawans or Jedi at all, if you could allow yourself to – to –

 **5\. Spot**  
But that's idle, useless speculation, even if it crosses your mind with worrisome frequency, especially when your mouth and hands search for the sensitive spots you've found on her body and she half-laughs, half-gasps into your ear, out of breath, her teeth at your earlobe

 **6\. Obtainable**  
and while in those moments you find yourself longing for undefined _more_ , you remind yourself that this is all you can get, all you can want, even as she lies bare and breathless and beautiful under you.

 **7\. Pollution**  
You both know the risk you have taken, but you've promised one another that you won't let your decidedly-not-attachment interfere with your training or tempt you away from the Living Force

 **8\. Blind**  
(although on occasion – usually when you lie tangled in each other's arms, trying to catch your breaths, and her mouth draws a lazy path down your neck – you wonder how long you can keep deceiving yourself and whether you're the only one whose shoulders bend under the weight of the lies you've concocted to keep yourself sane)

 **9\. Request**  
but luckily you'd never demand such a sacrifice from each other (even if you'd give it to her a thousand times over if only she asked).

 **10\. Royal**  
She has a captivating presence that makes it hard not to follow her, and you know for a fact that you're not the only apprentice trying to win her favour

 **11\. Slave**  
which, in a way, makes you feel less guilty because it proves that you're not the only Jedi led by the needs of your body

 **12\. Orange**  
and if jealousy sometimes sneaks its way into your heart, it matters little, for you're the one whose bunk she sleeps in until the glow of the rising sun paints her dark brown skin golden.

 **13\. Representative**  
You never tire of that sight, and you're quite sure this is one of the signs that will eventually erode your carefully constructed self-deception and force you to face truths you've shied away from

 **14\. Choke**  
but you hope that day is a long way from now because every time she looks up at you with those lovely, dark eyes misty with sleep, you forget how to breathe.

 **15\. Veil**  
Your affair is not shrouded in secrecy, for the Order considers casual dalliances between apprentices a better option than seeking out company outside the Jedi

 **16\. Alive**  
but you'd rather not try your luck too much with rules that have been set in stone before even Master Vandar was born.

 **17\. Umbrella**  
That's why you hold back the instinct to huddle with her in the rain when a mission brings both your masters to Kamino

 **18\. Meat**  
and don't share your food with her whenever you "happen" to meet at the Temple's cantina

 **19\. Sharp**  
even if every time your stomach twists with guilt that you don't understand.

 **20\. Need**  
You consider yourself an utilitarian as befits a Jedi, but after one instance of mutual avoidance, you give her a string of beads – a silly, sentimental little thing – that a grateful civilian once gave you

 **21\. Attraction**  
and her startled smile brightens the whole room and made your heart race with giddiness that is definitely unfit for a Jedi.

 **22\. Daughter**  
She mentions that according to her faint recollections from the time before the Temple, her mother wore a similar bracelet

 **23\. Yielding**  
and the moment she utters the words, you can feel a wall between you cracking and breaking, a line being crossed.

 **24\. Engine**  
In the midst of the following, hesitant conversation, you tell her that one of the few things you remember of your mother is that she worked as a mechanic and always smelled faintly of engine oil.

 **25\. Salt**  
(Another thing you remember are tear streaks on her cheeks when Master Lamar took you away, but you're treading dangerous waters as it is.)

 **26\. Adorable**  
She's frowning and biting her lower lip like she always does when deep in thought, trying to remember more (and looking rather cute and distracting while at it)

 **27\. Chicken**  
while you try not to think of your mother too much, afraid that doing so would summon more unwelcome feelings.

 **28\. Bite-sized**  
No matter what you've promised to her and yourself and your master, she leads you into rarely-tread paths such as half-forgotten families, little by little and in deceptively small steps

 **29\. Stew**  
and it worries you more than you'd care to admit because you can practically feel yourself slipping, your control fraying.

 **30\. Decisive**  
You're determined to hide that from her, but she's always seen too much, especially when it comes to you.

 **31\. Damaging**  
"We're not doing anything wrong, and we're certainly not breaking the Code," she says with firmness you don't share, and for a fleeting moment it occurs to you that she might be trying to convince herself, too.

 **32\. Fit**  
Nevertheless, you let yourself believe her and kiss her and drag her to your narrow bed that really isn't made for two

 **33\. Classy**  
and catch yourself thinking that she deserves dining and flowers and walking hand in hand in the streets of Coruscant, not cramped quarters and a girl terrified of her own heart.

 **34\. Expert**  
You've become skilled in silencing unwanted thoughts and convincing yourself of how things are supposed to be, though, so you let the thought pass.

 **35\. Obtain**  
(Where would a padawan get the credits to treat her... her friend, anyway?)

 **36\. Obnoxious**  
It's annoying, really, the way she messes with your head, and more than once you almost ask if she feels the same about you, those brief angry flares of resentment that make you want to never again lay your eyes and hands and mouth on her.

 **37\. Polish**  
You take good care of your facade of a Perfect Padawan, for you have spent far too much time and energy to let it slip now, even as you breathe against her inner thigh and her fingers twist hard in your hair, as if she's clutching a lightsaber in a battle of life and death.

 **38\. Third**  
The lies you've built for and between yourselves feel almost like a presence in your bed, a shadow cast over your shared pleasure, and again you wonder if she senses that, too, or if it's all in your head

 **39\. Strengthen**  
but you push the thought aside and drink her moans from her lips even as in the back of your mind looms the knowledge that every time you do this, with every smile and touch, your bond grows stronger and its eventual severing more painful, like tearing your heart back from her when it's already set down roots in her hands.

 **40\. Dirt**  
You should consider this – this heedless falling a failure on your part, a stain on your reputation

 **41\. Shaky**  
but how can you when she stops trembling in your arms and gives you another of those brilliant, blinding smiles (and it's a good thing that you're lying beside her because otherwise your knees would buckle at the sight)

 **42\. Permit**  
She has given you a gift by letting you see her like this, open and vulnerable, things that a Jedi mustn't, cannot be

 **43\. Ray**  
and you cling to that light at the end of the tunnel and whisper into her damp hair that she's right, this isn't wrong, you're hardly the only ones, this isn't wrong (but you can't bring yourself to say that this is right, either)

 **44\. Farm**  
and if her smile is a little sad because surely she knows that sooner or later the two of you must reap what you've sown, you ignore it like a myriad of other things.

 **45\. Cute**  
Instead you concentrate on her languid expression and run a feather-light hand over her well-toned body, admiring firm muscle and lean limbs and faint scars, once again proud that of all people she could have had, she chose to show all this to you

 **46\. Follow**  
but your exploration is cut short when she decides that it's your turn and flips you on your back before trailing kisses down the curve of your throat.

 **47\. Need**  
You aren't supposed to want or need, but you've broken so many rules with and for her that pleading doesn't feel like a major transgression.

 **48\. Trick**  
In the following haze you think that she looks at you thoughtfully for an instant and that when her teasing smile returns, it doesn't quite reach her eyes, but it must be a trick of the fading sunlight that filters into the room.

 **49\. Boil**  
When your pleasure reaches its crest and shudders through your body, you have to bite your tongue bloody to keep endearments and declarations that cannot be from spilling from your lips

 **50\. Watery**  
and if not all tears that prickle at the corners of your eyes are those of joy, then it's good that she buries her face on the crook of your neck and does not look at you.


End file.
